Pray To God He Hears You
by Therm
Summary: Complete. Hawkeye is finding the war getting to him and his friends try to pull him out before he gets too deep.
1. Hold Still

**Title:** Pray To God He Hears You  
**Summary: **Hawkeye is finding the war getting to him and his friends try to pull him out before he gets too deep.  
**Warnings**: Angsty.  
**Notes:** This fic was inspired by the song 'How To Save A Life' by The Fray. The lyrics are in _Italic_ throughout the story. Sometimes I've directly quoted the song. I had no idea for a plot here, the story came from this song. The chapter titles come from the video which has words come up on the screen. I jotted them down and used them as I saw appropriate. I guess technically it's a song fic, but not one of those cheesy one's where someone here's the song and it describes just how they feel. The words are just there for decoration. It's friendship and nothing else!

"_Step one you say 'we need to talk',  
__He walks you say 'sit down it's just a talk'"_

**1. Hold Still**

"Hawk."

BJ Hunnicutt followed his bunk mate across the compound, trying to catch up with him.

"Hey, slow down will ya." BJ said, knowing his words were falling on deaf ears.

Hawkeye didn't stop walking until he got to the Swamp. Once he was inside, he simply stood there.

BJ for once was glad that Korea's winters were harsh and cold so that their tent offered them privacy. He stood there with Hawkeye for a moment before he moved over to the still and poured out two drinks. He offered one to Hawkeye who didn't take it, so BJ left it by the still before sitting on his cot. He drank his before he tried talking to his friend again. "We need to talk." He said matter of factly.

Hawkeye began to move again and worried that he'd leave the tent BJ got out of his seat and grabbed Hawkeye's arm. "Sit down. It's just a talk."

"_He smiles politely back at you  
__You stare politely right on through"_

Hawkeye reluctantly sat on his cot. He smiled at BJ, a hollow thing. Like a mask he'd put there for show. BJ stared at his friend, looked into his eyes and tried to see what he was really feeling.

"There's nothing you could have done." BJ said, watching Hawkeye's reaction.

"That's practically what I did do," Hawkeye said. "Nothing."

"Hawk, there was no way. You did everything you could for him, but none of us could have saved him. If he'd gone to the best hospital he still wouldn't have made it through. You have to know that after you've been here so long."

Hawkeye looked at BJ then. Actually looked at him. His eyes were so intense and filled with such emotion that BJ had to look away. "You can't even look at me." Hawkeye said.

BJ's head immediately shot back up. "You think I can't look at you because I'm ashamed of what you did?" BJ said, knowing that Hawkeye was heading for a rough few days if he let him think such things. "Hawk, I've never been prouder of the way the fought for that's kid life. None of us would have done more. I hate to look at you and see you blaming yourself when it wasn't your fault. I know I would feel as bad as you do if I had been in your position and I know that you would be doing the same thing right now, trying to pull me out before I got too involved."

"_Some sort of window to your right  
__As he goes left and you stay right"_

Hawkeye stood up but didn't move anywhere and BJ followed the movement upwards.

"Just stay here, get some rest." BJ pleaded.

"I can't rest." Hawkeye made his way out of the tent, heading off to the left.

BJ followed him to the door, watching as his friend walked away. He then left the place himself, walking off to the right.

TBC


	2. Talk To Someone

**A/N:** Thanks to all my reviewers... oh wait, there weren't any! Lucky I don't write solely for feedback! This chapters a bit longer than the first. Enjoy.

**2. Talk To Someone**

"_Between the lines of fear and blame  
You begin to wonder why you came"_

Hawkeye sat in the Mess tent, wanting to be alone. BJ had left him alone, but someone else came to join him now.

"Pierce, don't mind if I sit here, do you." Charles said. It should have been a question, but Charles said it as a statement.

For whetever reason, words seemed to come easier when talking to Charles than BJ. "I'd rather be alone right now, thanks." Hawkeye said, not worrying about the harsh tone of his words.

Winchester smirked. "Of course you would." He sat down on the bench nonetheless. "The others are occupied and you look like you'll at least be quiet so, don't mind me." He set down his cup of coffee and just sat there, doing nothing.

Hawkeye glared at Charles a moment or two, but said nothing else. He spent the next few minutes ignoring Charles as much as possible.

"Oh, Pierce, I wanted to thank you." Charles said, casually.

"What?" Hawkeye asked, fixing his glare back onto Charles.

"For taking the James case. I certainly wouldn't have touched that one with a ten foot pole."

Pierce said nothing, just stared, as though if he stared hard enough, Charles might just burst into flames. "You bastard." He spat, viciously.

Charles had been waiting to get a response and expected one as hostile as that. He leaned across the table so anyone listening in couldn't hear their conversation as easily. "Stop blaming yourself for something beyond your control, Pierce. It doesn't help anyone, least of all you."

"Since when did you give a damn." He responded hotly.

"Be angry if you must. But everytime I see this display, I see straight through the anger and all I see behind it is fear."

Hawkeye didn't verbally respond to the comment, but got up and left the Mess tent.  
He didn't want Charles to know how right he was. He didn't even want to know it himself.

He just wanted to be alone. He made his way back to the Swamp, laying on the uncomfortable cot. But everything he wanted was here and that was peace and quiet. He didn't need anything else.  
Closing his eyes, he let the images of Sgt. James flash in front of him, seeing the wounds he'd suffered and the blood that he lost. His eyes shot open as though it would stop him thinking about that poor kid. Sitting up again, he pulled the book his father had given him years ago off of his shelf. 'Last of the Mohicans'. He looked at the cover, but his mind wasn't on the book.

"Damn." He said quietly to himself, before opening the book.

Across the compound, BJ made his way to the Mess tent doors, just as Charles left it.

"Get anywhere?" BJ asked.

"Insulted, but we didn't really scratch the surface. I tried in vain to mention James' plight being useless but he wasn't exactly rational."

"You did better than me. All I did was get him to sit down for about 30 seconds." BJ said. He thought about what else he could try, while Winchester studied him carefully.

"You're really that worried about him?" Charles asked.

BJ nodded, the look of sincerity in his eyes making it all too clear.

"Then we should see Colonel Potter." Charles stated matter-of-factly.

"_Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best"_

Hawkeye hadn't been aware of drifting off until the gentle tapping on the door woke him. He couldn't quite get any words out in his sleepy haze, but the door was opened anyway, to reveal Father Mulcahy.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you, Hawkeye." Mulcahy said.

If it had been anyone else, maybe the disturbed sleep would have been less welcome, but Hawkeye always did his best to not snap at Mulcahy. Not because he was a religious man, but because he was a good man and his role here was tough. "No, it's fine." He said.

"Did I interrupt your reading?" He asked, pointing to the book Hawkeye still held in his hands.

"Oh." Hawkeye seemed to just notice he still had the book in his hands. "No not really. So what makes you stop by here, Father?"

"I was a little concerned about you in OR earlier. You were very quiet, not like yourself at all."

"I had a tough day." Hawkeye said, shrugging it off.

"I understand. Whenever one of you doctors do have a tough day, I have one too. I know it's a lot more personal for you, but it's just as difficult."

"Yeah." Hawkeye said.

"You may feel better if you talk about it."

"I don't need to talk about it."

"It might help."

"It would help if I could have saved that kids life. Talking about the fact he didn't make it won't help me at all." Hawkeye replied.

"Believe that the Lord knows what he's doing, my son."

"That might help you Father, but it won't wash on me."

"_Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence"_

"I understand more than you think I do, Hawkeye. I know that these people who come through here aren't anonymous to you. They are people. You never look past that. That's what makes you care about them so much. But blaming yourself when no one could have saved that man's life isn't going to help. Not you, or anyone else here." Mulcahy stopped and surveyed the man for a few moments. "I'm not getting through to you am I?" He asked, sincerely. Hawkeye didn't look at Mulcahy. "Okay, I'll leave you alone, but before I go, I want to say one thing to you Hawkeye. You're looking to find some sort of comfort from this, someone to help you." He indicated to the book that Hawkeye still had a hold of. "This camp is full of people who want to help. Maybe trying to go back to Crabapple Cove for help is a little over-zealous. Even for you." With that, Mulcahy walked away, leaving Hawkeye to think through what he said.

TBC.


	3. Have Faith

**A/N:** Bit of a short one this time. Many thanks to my sole reviewer _MASHmad_. I'd also like to thank _celticmaggie4077_ and _ricebo_l, just for talking to me. It helped me get this one going again because I'd stalled a little.

**3. Have Faith**

"_Lay down a list of what is wrong  
__The things you've told him all along"_

BJ walked through the door to the Swamp, seeing Hawkeye laying on his cot. His eye opened a fraction hearing someone enter, but closed as soon as he saw who it was.

BJ made his way other to his own cot, and reached across to get the paper he'd put aside earlier to write to Peg. He sat down on the chair near his cot and picked up the pen that was on the floor.

_Dear Peg,_

_I hope you're well honey. Everything's much the same here, more wounded, more surgery, more boredom.  
I loved the picture you sent of you and Erin at your parents house. She looks more like you everytime I see a picture. I can't wait to hold her. I got a bit jealous when you were saying about how your dad got her off too sleep when she was crying with her teething pain. I just wished it were me. But I know it's no one's fault I'm here, I just get a little crazy now and then thinking about what I'm missing. _

_I've not had the best day today, either. We had a kid come through here, really badly hurt. We bought him into OR and did all we could, but he died. Hawkeye had tried to save him and he's taking it really bad. I think he'll be okay in a day or two, but it's always hard. It makes you wonder why you're even out here when you can't save someone.  
You know as well as me that you can't save everyone, but honey, it never helps. _

BJ stopped writing when the door to the Swamp opened again. Charles looked at Hawkeye before going and sitting on his cot.

"He asleep?" BJ asked.

Charles nodded as he began taking his boots off. "I don't think I'll be far behind him." Charles commented.

"Tough day." BJ said, knowing it was an understatement. BJ sat there, not writing any more letter, just thinking. It was a few minutes before he spoke out again. "You think he'll be okay?" BJ asked Charles, but didn't look at him.

"Pierce?" He clarified, seeing BJ nod slightly. Charles looked over at the sleeping form. "He'll be fine."

"You can't know that."

"I don't 'know', but I can guess. He's been here longer than both of us two and he's always got through so far."

"He just seems to have taken this one so hard."

Charles paused for a moment before he spoke. "There's probably a reason. Maybe that boy reminded him of someone at home. Maybe... he's tallied up the men he's lost and he didn't like the figure that came out. With Pierce, you never know what he thinking. But for the most part, he usually thinks rationally in the end and I'm sure he'll realise that the poor unfortunate boy had no chance. The only thing he could have done to save his life would have been to stop him ever coming over here."

"Doctors can't do that." BJ said, looking blankly ahead.

Inhaling, Winchester replied. "No, they can not."

BJ looked over at Charles. "Thanks. I needed to hear that."

"So does Pierce." Charles said.

_"Pray to God he hears you  
__And pray to God he hears you"_

BJ looked at Charles again. "I think I'll call it a night too."

Both men stripped off their fatigues. Charles' cot creaked first as he got on it, switching off the small light that hung overhead.

BJ took a few minutes longer to get ready. Before he got himself into bed, he picked Hawkeye's blanket up, which was half across him and half on the floor and covered him over properly.

He made his way to his cot and laid down, turning off his light and plunging the Swamp into darkness.

As he lay in the dark, BJ hoped that their plan had worked. He hoped that Hawkeye had heard them.

TBC


	4. Open Up

**A/N:** Ah, thanks to my loyal readers. Hm, now how can I get this noticed more? Maybe I should add some HM to it, that seems to work. Prehaps have a Hawkeye/Margaret snog at the end? Nah, I'd never sell out for reviews and hits. Will remain unashamedly unpopular, because that's the way, ah-ha ah-ha, I like it!

**4. Open Up**

"_As he begins to raise his voice  
__You lower yours and grant him one last choice"_

BJ wasn't sure what woke him up.

There was no sound, it was more a sense of movement. He wondered if it was some paternal instinct in him. Trying to fill in the void that being away from his little girl left within him. Shaking off the feelings of home, he sat up. There was no movement in the tent as he sat and looked. He turned to his left to see Hawkeye's cot. It was empty. BJ pulled the covers off of him and turned the light on.

It was then that he noticed his over bunk mate was also missing.

oOo

Charles followed Hawkeye as he made his way towards Rosie's bar.

As far as he knew, Pierce had no idea he was being followed up here. It had occurred to Charles to wake up Hunnicutt before he followed, but for some reason he didn't. He felt like maybe he could try and get through to him.

He stood back as Pierce entered the bar. Charles gave him a few minutes before he went in.

The bar was very empty. The hour had gone from late night to early next morning and a few drunks remained there.

Pierce had got himself a beer and was sitting at a table in the corner.

Charles had planned to go straight over to Hawkeye's table, but something stopped him. He ordered a drink first and then went over.

"Ah, Pierce, couldn'd sleep either I see." Charles said, putting his glass down on the table and pulling out a chair for himself.

"Can't you leave me alone?" Hawkeye said, tiredness evident in his voice.

"Well I didn't see the harm in joining you for a early morning belt." Winchester said, sipping at the drink he didn't want.

Hawkeye turned his gaze to Charles. "You never drink with me. So why now?"

The gaze was intense, but Charles wouldn't turn from it. "Because some people are worried about you."

"Yeah?" Hawkeye replied after taking a mouthful of beer.

"Yes."

"And they sent you?"

"I came of my own accord. Pierce, you can't keep blaming yourself."

"Oh, really?"

"This feeling will pass. With time." Charles said sincerely.

"Time? You think I have time to wait for this to just slip away or... or wait until I forget him? You have no clue."

"I don't know how _you_ feel, but we all know how it feels to lose a patient."

"You really don't get it." Hawkeye said quietly. He closed his eyes for a moment, almost looking peaceful, but they suddenly snapped open.  
Charles could guess what he'd seen. Sgt James laid out in front of him on the operating table. With speed, Hawkeye got up from the table and went outside. Charles followed, leaving a bill to cover their drinks. Hawkeye was walking along the path, away from camp. Charles didn't like following him futher from the shallow protection the camp gave them, but knew he needed to.  
Charles ran a little so he was next to Hawkeye again. Pierce stopped when he realise Charles had followed him.

"Don't you get it, I don't want you to follow me." He said angrily.

"Tell me, why is it that I can't understand how you feel about losing this patient?" Charles said. Knowing Hawkeye was losing his battle to stay in control by letting his anger start to escape, he knew he had to push him now before he covered his feeling up again.

"Because..." Hawkeye said. Words seemed to fail him.

"Just because?" Charles said.

"I've seen more people die here than you have. I've been here longer than you. Longer than BJ. Longer than Potter at this same dump." He spat the words out as if they tasted foul in his mouth. "I hate it here, but between you and BJ you'd think I was the lucky one. I mean you have your rich, fantastic life to go back to, not to mention the fact that you have your brilliant career ahead of you. And BJ has his family."

Silence dropped between them. Charles could make out in the darkness how Hawkeye's head hung low. "I've got my dad and a town that I'll never be able to live in." He couldn't tell if Hawkeye was crying or not, but his voice had broken from the harsh tone moments ago, to one of someone who felt alone right now.

Charles faltered. He could aggrevate Pierce, but he wasn't the best at consoling. He had enough fancy words, but knew that he just wasn't the right person for this job. Hawkeye wouldn't be won over with a fancy turn of phrase.

Thanksfully, Charles wasn't alone. A noise behind him alerted him to the presence of another. He was able to make out the tall frame of his other tent mate. He felt relief flood him. He stepped away from Pierce and passed by Hunnicutt without saying a word.

"_Drive until you lose the road  
__Or break with the ones you've followed"_

"Hawk?" BJ said coming up closer to his friend.

He got no response. BJ gently took hold of Hawkeye's arm, wanted him to know he was there for him if he needed him. He realised the night was cold, and Hawkeye had come out in just a t-shirt. His arms were shivering slightly, and probably not just from the cold.

"Why don't we go somewhere a little warmer, huh?" BJ asked.

"You go." Hawkeye said, quietly.

"Not without you." BJ said. "We go back in together, or not at all."

Hawkeye was quiet a moment. "Beej, please, just leave me out here." It was the first time Hawkeye had sounded like himself. But BJ was sad at Hawkeye's almost defeated tone.

"No chance." BJ said, determined that even if Hawkeye went back in silently, he'd not just leave him out here in the cold. When there was no response after a little bit, BJ pushed on. "I heard what you said to Charles, Hawk. I can understand how you feel." He heard Hawkeye let out a bitter laugh.

"No you don't. You've got a family."

"What about your dad?" BJ asked, knowing how much Hawkeye adored his father.

"He's not going to be around forever. The more I think of going back to Crabapple Cove, the more scared I get."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not who left there. I've changed. I don't even look like me any more. Have you seen how much you've aged since you've been here."

"War is hell." BJ muttered, knowing it was true. Hawkeye didn't say anything more, so BJ pushed the issue again. "What is it about that kid that upsets you so much Hawk?"

"Besides him dying on my table?" Hawkeye asked.

"Besides that." BJ pushed.

"_He will do one of two things  
__He will admit to everything"_

Hawkeye swallowed hard before he could find his voice. "Before we bought him in for pre-op, he had something in his hand. He asked me to take care of it as it was real important to him. Picture of his wife and kid."

"Aw, Hawk loads of guys come through here with people back home."

"It wasn't just that, Beej. I looked at that picture, and I didn't see his wife and kid. I saw yours."

TBC

Note: Maybe just one chapter left of this. Depends how it goes, might squeeze out two!


	5. Don't Be Scared Of Death

A/N: Thanks to me readers and reviewers. _Pathseldomtraveled, MASH mad_ and J_uilette Delphe_, especially thanks for the reviews.

**5. Don't Be Scared of Death**

"_Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came"_

BJ was surprised by Hawkeye's confession, but knew he needed to reassure Hawkeye. "You know we're safe here. I'll get back home."

"Not all doctors make it home."

"I know. But for every Henry Blake there's a Walter O'Reiley."

"Radar wasn't a doctor" Hawkeye mumbled. "Besides, you didn't even know Henry." Hawkeye said, making it sound like an accusation.

"What does that matter?" BJ said.

"It just does." Hawkeye said. He didn't feel like talking any more. Not to BJ. Not to anyone. "I'm just not the same." His voice sounded far away.

BJ could feel he was losing Hawkeye again, he was going back to the darkness that he'd been in. "Hawkeye, just come back to the Swamp with me, huh? We don't have to talk about this now. Just get some rest and tomorrow..."

"Tomorrow will be the same as today. Nothing will have changed."

BJ let out a frustrated sigh, wanting to get his friend to hear him. To let him know that he wasn't out here because he had to be, but he wanted to be. He wanted to help him. He wished he knew how.

"Wondering why you came?" Hawkeye asked, voice flat and lifeless.

"No. I'd come a million times over, Hawk. I want to get you back and I don't know how." BJ said, brutally honest.

"_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And would I stay up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life"_

Hawkeye seemed reluctant to make any futher movement. Stood in that space outside Rosie's bar, everything seemed to peaceful. You'd never know a war was going on elsewhere.

"Okay, if we're spending the night out here I'm gonna at least be comfortable." BJ said. Moving away from Hawkeye, he went back into the bar, grabbed two of the chairs and bought them out with him, quickly promising Rosie beforehand that he'd bring them back. He placed them where Hawkeye was standing, before returning to the bar again and getting two beers. He bought them back outside, sat down on the chair and opened the can of beer. Hawkeye just stood there, not moving.  
"C'mon Hawk, if you're gonna spend all night out here at least sit down. I bought you a beer." BJ opened the can and placed it on the ground by Hawkeye's chair.

"It's too early to drink." Hawkeye said, sitting down slowly.

"Oh well." BJ said nothing else. He very slowly sipped his beer as they sat there together.

The darkness slowly faded into light as the sun began to rise. Hawkeye watched as the sun peaked in the distance. He heard the sound of people leave the bar until there was nothing left, just the distant sound of birds and a dull hum from early morning activity back at camp. He shivered with coldness at spending so long in the early morning air. It was fresh and crisp.

Hawkeye reached out for the beer on the floor, his fingertips brushed the can and he gripped the cool tin. As he started to lift it, he lost his grip on it and the container slipped through his fingers. He hit the ground with a dull thud as it tipped over and the contents leaked from the can. Hawkeye didn't try and stop it. He watched as the liquid spilt.

The contents drained from the can until slowly it stopped. He picked it up carefully and heard the sound of the last drops of liquid splosh around inside. He held it upright and shook it a little, listening to the sound it made.  
BJ watched him with fascination, not sure what his friend was doing.

Hawkeye stood from the chair, BJ did the same. Looking down to where the beer had soaked into the ground Hawkeye tipped the can up and emptied the contents.

"What are you doing?" BJ asked.

Hawkeye waited until the can was empty and then effortlessly, he crushed it in his hand. He looked at BJ. "I'm letting go."

Fini


End file.
